....just a blink of time in an ordinary day, but it made me happy anyway, so I'll share it.

We were struck my a New Year's Eve urge for Ben & Jerry's, so we went to the closest Freddy's to pick some up. On our way out, a dad was coming through the entrance slowly. He had his little boy perched on his shoulders, and his hand on top of his boy's head for protection. The man's knees were bent, and I could see he was nervous about coming through the entrance and konking his kid.

I said to him, "You're gonna make it!"
"Have we got a little clearance then?" he asked.
"Yep, you're good."
"Nice," he said, as he made it through the first door, past the shopping carts, and bent his knees again and faced the second door with more confidence. "Because if not, it could be bad news for us."

And he went on into Fred Meyer, and I lauged and headed out to the car.

Portlanders are awesome. He responded to me as though it was perfectly ordinary for me to have concern for his kid. He was grateful for the info, trusted me, went on his merry way.

Not every city dweller is like that. A more predictable response from some of the places I've lived would have been, "Are YOU lookin' at MY kid?! Mind your own beezwax and shove off!" Or, much more common: the butt-out-of-my-affairs glare.

Portland has a remarkably high percentage of really friendly people. It gives me warm fuzzies.

Omar and his family are ok. He told me not to worry.

"How far away from Gaza are you?" I asked, since I recall he lives near Hebron, toward the east side of Israel/Palestine.

"50 km," he answered. Or roughly 31 miles. Thirty-one miles! It's such a small country.

30 miles from bombing, murdering, terror. He must be able to HEAR it, at least the aircraft. How does one get up in the morning and go to work, pick up groceries, celebrate a child's birthday...in an environment like that? I can't even imagine. I am in tears just thinking about it.

I feel ignorant being exposed to both sides - my Palestinian and Israeli friends from Brandeis telling me different perspectives - yet I still know so little. However, it seems clearly off balance. I feel that if my family was trapped behind a wall some other country built around us, and lived in poverty, and in fear of the tanks on a nearby hill...  I am certain that in time my desperation would cause me to react violently in the way that some Palestinians have. And I'd like to believe I am a pacifist!

It is not fair that some Israelis cry that the reactionary violence is "terrorism," because from my perspective, it looks like Palestinians are oppressed. Oppression is terrorism.

That's it: I turned 39. My "thirties" are just about over. Egad, what a tumultous time. Holy cowabunga that was a lot to go through in only ten years.

A long time ago, my grandmother (who refuses to be called 'grandmother,' so we combine her name, Ellarmilda, and Grandmother, and call her Gramilda) told me, "Life begins at 40." She said at 40 she knew enough about herself to start living each day more fully, and she got more joy out of life, and she didn't worry about the small stuff so much anymore, and her kids were grown up and she didn't have to expend so much energy on them and could get back to her own life, etc. etc. She simply beamed.

I was so convinced, that I've been looking forward to 40 ever since. But now I'm awfully close to 40, and I don't buy it anymore. Life just gets harder and harder. True living was when I was in my twenties, and just DID whatever came to my silly noggin. And I thrilled in every moment of it and spread my joy far and wide and didn't ask if anyone was in the mood to receive it.

My thirties started off with an incredible growth spurt, when at age 30 I went through a total spiritual and psychological transformation and became me finally. I suspect that's what Gramilda was talking about. It's hard to live authentically, but I get so much more joy out of life now, I feel like I'm participating more fully, I am able to take more responsibility for what I do to myself. And I'm able to keep up my hope when I realize my ups and downs are entirely dependent upon my efforts to work hard, work smart, and keep a healthy perspective.

By the end of my thirties though, I am tired. It's not just hard to live authentically; it's exhausting. I have a growing tendency to slip into temporary denial just so I can quit freaking out all the time. If I am aware, then I have to be fully aware. I have to care and become educated about everything, or I shouldn't form a single opinion or make a single sentence. That's unrealistic, of course, but I'm having a hard time finding a nice balance. I make one dumb remark, and beat myself up for it for the next 6 months.

Problem is, I can be such a spontaneous, passionate person! I love that about myself, but it sure does lead one to trouble. :-)  I eat foot sandwiches all the time.

So what will my forties bring?

Based on the success of last year's list, which I was so delighted to find recently, I will make another list, and try to be focused, grounded, grateful, genuine, humble, and open to my future - whatever it is.

My fantasies for 2009:
1. Have enough money to start paying the mortgage again, however that comes about
2. Make time to have fun with my daughter and not be such a mom all the time
3. See Marcus Eaton live again
4. Use my frequent flier miles to go somewhere amazing
5. See all three of my brothers in the flesh
6. Gain some self-confidence at work so that no matter how many times my coach tells me to do more, I don't take it as such a personal blow
7. Finish my Shemya book. Even in draft form. If I wrote 45,000 words in 2008, I can do it again in 2009, and be done.
8. Stay open to what the Universe provides for me. Stop trying to bully my way through. Stop trying to control the direction. Stop trying to control the definition of my success, and my path toward it. Give it up. Have some peace. Accept help from others. Be graceful in acknowledging my ignorance, while maintaining my strength and confidence and power and beauty.

Wish me luck. And I'll wish you love

Geez Louise, there's a lot going on here in the last couple of days!

Over the weekend, we went to a birthday celebration for JRR Tolkien, the famed author of many works, including The Hobbit, and The Lord of the Rings. The party was hosted by McMenamin's Kennedy School in northeast Portland.


McMenamins is a franchise which buys local historical buildings and restores them and turns them into pubs, breweries, theatres, restaurants, hotels, and sometimes all of the above! Such is the case with Kennedy School, which was an actual school, so it's a huge building. One great thing about McMenamin's (besides their delicious ales) is that all of their properties have creative, non-conventional artwork on most available surfaces.

The Tolkien celebration included Peter Jackson's version of the trilogy, in their awesome theatre where guests order from a full menu and sit on couches and watch the movie, waiting for staff to bring them their steaks, salads, burgers, and brews.

There was a reading of the Hobbit performed by Willamette Radio Workshop, and juggling and balloon art performed by "Joedo" the Hobbit, who showed us his hairy feet to prove it was no costume.

We took an intermission during The Two Towers to have a costume contest, so all the guests who had arrived dressed as elves, wizards, hobbits and trees could model their Middle-earth garb.

I took the opportunity to hand out flyers to garner some participation on my friend's website designed to collect input from readers of Tolkien. Please tell David Berberick what you think of Tolkien's writing, at Surveying Middle-earth.

Monday was "Gramma Day," so my girlie and I were on our way out to Sandy to visit my Grandma Trulove in Sandy. We missed our exit, and our car was being buffeted all over the highway due to the wind, so we pulled over to check a map and make a call and tell Grandma we'd be late. She was not feeling well and asked us to visit another time.






Because the sun was brilliant, or maybe because we were out in the gorgeous gorge, we made a day of it.

The wind turned out to be frightful, however, albeit exciting.

At the Vista House, I didn't even want to get out of the car. Neither one of us would attempt to open the doors, because we were sure the wind would rip them right off, so I drove to a different spot and turned the car around. Miss T was certain that she wanted to get out and play in the wind like some others who were there, so I finally acquiesced, and insisted that I accompany her if she got out of the car. I was so afraid of my heavy camera BLOWING AWAY that I left it in the car.

We crawled along a grassy area, clinging to rock wall for about 15 feet, when a particularly fierce gust dropped us both on our seats.

"That was a bad idea, Mom. I'm sorry," says Miss T, "We have to go back." So we kept our profiles low and used the rock wall to drag ourselves back to the car.

At the steps to the Vista House, one man leaned over a metal railing and held his legs out, and then let the wind hold him up. The wind blew his legs directly out to the side while he held on to the railing with his hands. This was insane wind!

Inside the car, we recovered, while it rocked wildly. I suddenly felt as though the wind could push our car right off the 733 foot ledge, and wanted to get out of there! So we headed down the cliff and didn't stop again till Latourelle Falls.

We read until we passed 200 pages in Inkheart, which Miss T is reading for a school assignment. Very entertaining book. I don't know the setting, but it reminds me a lot of Provence, France. The days in the book were hot, and that "felt" good because the gorge in Oregon was cold.

There were trees down all over the place, because of the wind, and we had to proceed cautiously on the old Columbia River Highway. After we saw a couple of guys with a beautiful load of wood, we realized we should do the same, and gathered till the trunk of my little Saturn dragon wagon was full. Sedans are not as good for wood gathering as pickups, in case you were wondering.

Tuesday a new President was sworn in!! I'm so thrilled! No, in answer to my man's persistant questions (and possibly yours too), no, I DO NOT think Obama is going to turn the world around and make us all rich and rebuild our country with his own two hands and make peace with the Arabs and feed all the Somalis. Look, a President is one man. An American President is a man tasked with leading a capitalist country, and thus is a man beholden to big business. On top of that, an American President in the 21st century is a man plagued with an old-school Congress that is first and FOREMOST concerned with it's own interests, and only mildly concerned with leading our country, strengthening our economy, our addressing the interests of the American public.

In other words, I have very little expectation of any U.S. President. To think the President can do anything at all is asking a great deal of a person in that positon. Obama is doomed before he even begins, simply because of the system he must operate within.

I am still thrilled that Obama is President. He is a minority, which is going to change our world even if he fails miserably. He will probably not continue the paths begun by the Bush Administration, and I am glad because I didn't like those paths. I don't have any answers, I just think those ideas weren't working, and I want somebody to try something else. Obama may fail too, but let's give something else a try. I am thrilled because in his acceptance speech, he talked about mutuality. Bush would never say that, he might not even think it. However, I think it is a leap toward peace on earth for the leader of America to say out loud and on television, that we need a healthy coexistance with other nations. Not that we need their third-world fingers to sew us more clothes, but that we need their independent success.

In my opinion, it will be little stuff like this different goal of worldwide participation, that will shift the terrible violent destructive tide of our nation. I am not saying Obama's gonna fix our problems. I am saying that it takes a different attitude to pave the way for peace and for growth and for prosperity. I am saying that it sounds like Obama has that attitude. I hope if that's really how he feels, he can keep strong in the face of inevitable dissent from all the old schoolers there in his midst.


Also on Tuesday, and more of an impact in our family: Miss T got braces! She's been wanting them for a couple years. I've been waiting for when I can afford it. Well, for the fourth year in a row of considering braces, I am in worse financial shape than the year before. Her mouth is maturing and the time is now. So, here ya go, Chase Manhattan, my New Year's gift to you.

She's doing ok with them. Very excited, but sobered by the pain. From what I recall, it goes away in a couple of days. We'll just put more thought into softer foods for awhile.

Ok, that should cover the news for the moment.

Hi! It's Sunday and it's snowing.

Mother Nature! How many times do I have to tell you: IT DOESN'T SNOW IN PORTLAND.

Good grief. You listen to direction about as well as my daughter.

Well, fresh snow on branches really *IS* beautiful. And this snow will probably be melted in 24 hours.

And it gives me an excuse to keep the fire going and use up that blown-down debris that Miss T and I collected on Monday.

I was just browsing through old photos and found this one on my flickr accout. My girlie two years ago, her friend Polly from Brazil, and Sara from Boston's inner city. I love this photo. There is a lot of joy captured here, and it spills over me whenever I look at this picture.

Mark helped me out of a panic yesterday (it's a good thing we take turns freaking out, that way we can always be there for each other, heh). I was struck because tomorrow is February first, the day the mortgage is due. It will be the third month in a row we can't pay.

I honestly believe we have done what we can to find Mark a job. He applies for every single thing that comes up - no joke. From water bottle delivery person, to Home Depot cashier, to secretary at Bonneville Dam. And yes, every single environmental job of any kind that is advertised, he pours his effort into, because he's a soil scientist.

We have spread the word to friends. He's got all his buddies at his AA meetings keeping an eye out, like the guy who hooked him up with an interview at CH2M Hill. The Uncles work for TriMet, and we've asked them a couple of times to bug the ears of the hiring squad. My co-worker DB and her husband who works at the US Army Corps of Engineers has also been giving us regular updates and keeping us inspired.

....there simply aren't enough jobs to go around. The team leader from CH2M Hill actually called Mark up yesterday and told him the company just can't afford to fill the positions they had advertised, and they canceled the hiring altogether. He apologized to Mark, and said when they do start hiring again, he's one of the top people on the list. Well. That's something, anyway.

So when you've done all you can and it isn't enough, a person is tempted to FREAK THE HECK OUT!!

But Mark reminded me that it's only scary to think of losing the house if we are convinced we have to have the house for happiness. "So what if we have to leave this house?" he said. "Then we move into an apartment. It's not a big deal, we'll be fine."

He said he has been really focusing on a morning meditation where he thinks of all the good in his life and and evening meditation where he takes note of all the good of the day he just lived. He says it's really working. (Thanks Brian)

"I just got tired of waking up at 2 am full of fear," he said. "And this coming from me, Mr. Negative."

Well, I'm generally the most positive person in the house. But even upbeat people can get beat down some days, and I'm glad glad once more for my perfect family.